The UN sponsored a competition on which nation can produce the best bookon elephants. The British submited a dry historical account "The Elephant and the British Empire."The French submited a text "The Wisdom of the Elephant -- a Personal Account."The Germans submited 47 Volumes entitled "An Elementary Introduction to the Foundation of the Science of the Elephant's Ear."The Americans submited an article from "Money" magazine: "Elephants -- the Perfect Tax Shelter for the 80s"Green-Peace submited a counter-entry "Elephants -- they're better than People"The Russians submited a terse manuscript titled "The superiority of the Soviet Elephant"And submited a poem "The Joy and Freedom Brought forth by the Soviet Elephant."But the Japanese won with their Promotional Flier "We have no Elephants but wouldn't you want to buy a Honda instead".
Once there was a season when the Navy and Army football teams were not scheduled to play each other. It seemed so unusual, that the coaches of both academies got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the 2 teams because of their great rivalry. They decided on a week long ice-fishing competition. The team who caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.
So on a cold northern South Dakota lake (a neutral site so no one would whine about home field advantage), they began their contest.
The 1st day, after 8 hours of fishing, Navy had caught 100 fish and Army had 0.
At the end of the 2nd day, Navy had caught 200 fish and Army had 0.
That evening the Army coach got his team together and said, "I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place." The next morning he dressed one of his players in blue and white and sent him over to the camp to act as a spy.
At the end of the day, the spy came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, "Well, how about it, are they cheating?"
"They sure are," the Army player reported, "They're cutting holes in the ice!"
Putting Up Poles
Two Irish companies were competing for a contract to put up telegraph poles. The authorities decided to test them, seeing which company could put up the most poles in an hour. The first company achieved twenty but when the second company's tally came in it was only two.
"I'm afraid you lost the job", the second company was told, "the other boys managed twenty to your two."
"Ah," came the reply, "but they cheated. Did you see how much they left sticking out of the ground?"
Sadie tells Maurice, "You’re a schmuck! You always were a schmuck and you always will be a schmuck! You look, act and dress like a schmuck! You’ll be a schmuck until the day you die! And if they ran a world-wide competition for schmucks, you would be the world’s second biggest schmuck!"
"Why only second place?" Maurice asks.
"Because you’re a schmuck!" Sadie screams.
The Interoffice Game
An interoffice softball game was held every year between the Marketing Department and support staff of one company.
The day for the game came, and hard as the Marketers tried, the support staff whipped the Marketing Department soundly.
In their best tradition, the Marketing Department decided to find the best 'spin' they could on the dismal result. They showed how they earn their keep by posting this memo on the bulletin board after the game:
"The Marketing Department is pleased to announce that for the recently-completed Softball Season, we came in 2nd place, having lost but one game all year.
The Support Department, however, had a rather dismal season, as they won only one game all year."