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Your 5 Jokes for January 12, 2012: Coffin Jokes

Eulogy

Mark meets Arnold at their social club and asks how Abe’s funeral went the other day.

"It went OK, Mark," replied Arnold, "but at the end of the Priest’s eulogy, I had to try and stop myself from laughing aloud."

"Why was that?" asks Mark.

"Well," says Arnold, "throughout his marriage to Miriam, she was always telling me what a mean man he was. He never had a steady job and the money he brought home to her wasn't enough for food and clothing, let alone holidays. Yet he drank heavily and often stayed out all night gambling. Altogether, a good husband he was not. But at the funeral, the Priest spoke of how wonderful the deceased was - so considerate, so beloved, so thoughtful to others. Then, when the Priest had finished, I heard Miriam say to one of her children, "Do me a favour, David, go see whether it’s your father in the coffin."


Improving The Business

A woman working in the coffin industry was thinking of various ways to improve her business. She thought perhaps a good way to do it would be to emulate the success of the fashion store across the street which had done very well with it's new "Buy 1, Get 1 Free" deal. Soon, a man walks in.

"I would like a coffin for my father. But these coffins are very expensive!"

"Well, sir, you'll be happy to know we have a 'Buy 1, Get 1 Free' deal!"

The customer left.


Money

A man dies and his 3 best friends, Sam, Patrick and Peter are looking at his body in the coffin.

Patrick says, "He was such a good friend to me that I don’t want him to go to his maker empty handed." He then throws £200 in £20 notes into the coffin.

Peter says, "I agree, so I'll match that," and he also throws £200 in notes into the coffin.

Sam says, "What cheap-skates you both are. I’m ashamed to know you. I'm going to give him £1,000."

Sam then writes out a cheque for £1,400, throws it in and takes the £400 in change out of the coffin.


Running

A Nigerian man who makes caskets was on his way, one night, to deliver one of the coffins to a family who were going to bury their dead relative in the following morning, when his car broke down.

Trying not to be late, he put the coffin on his head and began heading to his destination.

Some policemen saw him and wanted to make some money off him (bribe), so they challenged him:

"Hey!!! What are you carrying and where are you going?!"

The man said, "I do not like where I was buried, so I am relocating".

The policemen ran for their lives.


Sent By Airmail

A family in Gujarat was puzzled when the coffin of their dead mother arrived from the US. It was sent by one of their daughters. The dead body was very tightly squeezed inside the coffin, with no space left in it.

When they opened the lid, they found a letter on top addressed to her brothers and sisters:
Dear Chandrakantbhai, Arvindbhai, Mohan and Varsha:

I am sending Ba's body to you, since it was her last wish that she should be cremated in the compound of our ancestral home in GUJARAT. Sorry, I could not come along as all of my paid leave is consumed.

You will find inside the coffin, under Ba's body, 12 cans of cheese,

10 packets of Toblerone chocolates and 8 packets of Badam. Please divide these among all of you.

On Ba's feet you will find a new pair of Reebok shoes (size 10) for Mohan.

There are also 2 pairs of shoes for Radha's and Lakshmi's sons. Hope the sizes are correct.
Ba is wearing 6 American T-shirts. The large size is for Mohan. Just distribute the rest among yourselves.

The 2 new Jeans that Ba's is wearing are for the boys.

The Swiss watch that Reema wanted is on Ba's left wrist.

Shanta Masi, Ba is wearing the necklace, earrings and ring that you asked for. Please take them off her.

The 6 white cotton socks that Ba is wearing must be divided among my nephews.
Please distribute all these fairly.

Love
Smita Patel

PS: If you need anything else please let me know soon, Bapuji is also not feeling too well nowadays.