A Bigger Chicken
A woman walks into the butcher shop just before closing.
She says, "Thank Heavens I've made it in time! Have you any chicken?"
The butcher opens his fridge and takes out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs 2 1/2 pounds.
"Ah, haven't you anything bigger?" the woman inquires.
The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows 3 1/4 pounds.
"Marvelous!" says the woman. "I'll have both of them please."
A lady went into a butcher shop complaining about some hot dogs she had just bought. "The middle is meat," she exclaimed, "but the ends are sawdust!"
"Well," said the butcher. "These days it's hard to make ends meat."
A Muscovite asks her butcher for beef and is told there is none. She asks for chicken. None. Lamb? None. Pork? None. Veal? None. The shopper leaves and the butcher exclaims to his assistant, "What a terrific memory!"
The Lawyer’s Dog
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe me $12.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $12.50. A few days later the butcher receives a letter from the lawyer: "$45 due for consultation".
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door.
"Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one."
"Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man.
"That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.
The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man.
"Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"