5 Burglary Jokes

A Burglar In The Kitchen

A woman woke her husband one night and said, 'There's a burglar in the kitchen eating my home-made steak and kidney pie!'

'Oh dear: said her husband. 'Who shall I call, police or ambulance?'


Apologies from a Thief

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight’s concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don’t I?"


A Proud Man

Judge: You claim you robbed the grocery store because you were starving. So why didn't you take the food instead of the cash out of the till?

Burglar: Your Honour! I'm a proud man, sir, and I make it a rule to pay for everything I eat.


Paddy is Watching you

A burglar crept into a dark house and as he crossed the room he heard a voice say, "PADDY IS WATCHING YOU!" He froze in his tracks and waited. He started walking again, and again the voice came "PADDY IS WATCHING YOU". Finally the burglar's eyes adjusted to the dark and with great relief he saw a parrot in a cage in the corner. "What's your name," he asked the parrot. "Bonzo" said the parrot. "Who gave you that stupid name" sneered the burglar. "The same guy who named the Rottweiller Paddy."


The Sheriff-Vet

In one small rural town the sheriff lso fulfilled the role of the town's animal vet. One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."