Mark Twain sat on the train next to a gloom-and-doomer who said,
"Do you realize that every time I take a breath, 10,000 people on this planet die?"
Twain replied, "Hmmm...ever try cloves?"
Renee has recently gone through a messy divorce and is now beginning to unwind a bit. So she arranges to meet her friend Esther for coffee.
Esther asks, "So, Renee, what are you going to do with your life now that Robert has left it?"
"You might not believe this, Esther," replies Renee, "but I want to learn how to save someone's life. I want to put something back into the community. So last month I enrolled on a CPR course."
"Oh," exclaims Esther, looking a bit confused. " ....... but what exactly is CPR?"
"Suppose someone near you suffers a cardiac arrest or collapses with a choking fit," replies Renee. "You might be able to save their life by giving them cardio-pulmonary resuscitation, or CPR for short, until the ambulance arrives."
"Oy, this CPR sounds very complicated," says Esther. "I bet it's difficult to learn."
"Well I've only been to two classes, but so far it seems quite easy," replies Renee. "And next week certainly won't be a problem for me."
"Why not?" asks Esther.
"Because we're going to be taught how to breath life into a dummy," replies Renee, "and that's something I had been doing regularly for over 12 years."
The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for “Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.
The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?
“I brought a Walkman."
“And what is it for?"
“You can listen to music with it!"
“That’s nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?"
“I brought a ‘lectrical can opener, it opens cans!"
“Well done, Kenny. Umm, Johnny, I see you didn’t bring anything!"
“Yes, I did. It’s in the hall."
So the entire class goes into the hallway.
“Umm, Johnny, what is that?"
“It’s a respirator. Hospitals use it to breathe for you."
“Whoa. What did your father say about you bringing this?"
“He said, ‘AAAARRRGGGH!!!’"
The boss who was on the 25th floor of the building called up the clerk on the ground floor for an important file. Since it was rather urgent the boss told the clerk it was an emergency and that he should hurry with the file.
After more than 30 minutes the clerk appears all tired and panting for breath.
The Boss asks him why he was panting and what caused the huge delay.
The clerk replies,' Boss when I went to the lift it said' during an emergency please use the staircase'!!!
What’s Your Age?
When a woman called 911 complaining of difficulty breathing Glenn, and his partner, both EMT's rushed to her home.
Glenn placed a sensor on her finger to measure her pulse and blood oxygen. Then he began to gather her information. "What's your age?" he asked.
"Fifty-eight," answered the patient, eyeing the beeping device on her finger.
"What does that do?"
"It's a lie detector," said Glenn with a straight face.
"Now, what did you say your age was?"
"Sixty-seven," answered the woman sheepishly.