Your 5 Jokes for May 27, 2012: Baseball Jokes

At an Insane Asylum

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"


Baseball In The Vatican

On a spring break trip to Italy, my friends and I were standing just inside St. Peter’s Basilica, the second largest church in the world.

The tour guide explained, “This church is so large that no man on earth could hit a baseball from one end to the other, not Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth, or even Mark McGuire.”

My group stared in silence at the beautiful marble sculptures, intricate paintings, and glorious mosaics all around the enormous building.

Then one girl interrupted the silence with an astonished question: “You mean, they actually let them hit baseballs in here?”


Meeting The New Neighbors

My quiet Saturday morning ended abruptly when my 12-year-old son, Billy, and one of his friends burst through the door.

“Hey Dad, announced Billy, “have you met the new neighbors?”

“No.”

“Come on Dad, you have to meet them.”

“Some other time; I’m busy.”

“Dad, you have to meet them now.”

From the urgency in Billy’s voice, I assumed the neighbors were waiting outside. I set aside my project and went to the front of the house. No one was there.

“Where are they?” I asked.

“Well, Dad,” he explained, “we haven’t met them yet either, but our baseball is in their living room!”


Picking The Next Pope

A high school history teacher was discussing the funeral of the Pope with his class. One student asked how they chose the new Pope.

The teacher explained the process, finishing with, “So the Cardinals pick him.”

A student in the back of class, asked, very seriously, “Why would they let a baseball team pick the next Pope?”


The Greatest In The World

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed. "Strike One!" he yelled.

Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!" He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he missed again. "Strike Two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully. He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more, "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed. "Strike Three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed. "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world!"

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