Your 5 Jokes for February 10, 2013: Astrologer Jokes

In Ten Months

A very learned and able astrologer was not having any success in his profession. He decided to make a really sensational and dynamic prediction to draw people’s attention and set about the task of various astrological calculations when he made a remarkable discovery. He once again confirmed his findings and made an announcement: “In ten months from now the entire universe will go dark."

Exactly ten months later the astrologer lost his eyesight.


A man went to an astrologer and deposited $100 as his fees. Then he told the astrologer that his right palm is itching. The astrologer said this is a very good sign and assured him that he will get lots of money.

Then the man said his left palm also itching. The astrologer said that this is very very good sign and assured him that he will get money and property too.

Then he said that his right foot is also since this morning. The astrologer said that this is the sign of travelling to foreign countries.

At last the man said that his left foot has also started itching.

The Astrologer pulled out a $10 note and told him that he had nothing but suffering from acute eczema.

Lucky Number

One day, Santa had a lucky dream which has number 3 written all over it. Someone in the dream was telling him to follow the number 3. Not sure what to do, he went to see an astrologer and and he gave Santa some useful tips on what to do throughout the day.

Next morning, out of curiosity, the astrologer himself came to Santa’s house to see how it went and Santa narrated the story.

Guru ji, just like you told me, yesterday, I ate 3 bowls of cereals for breakfast, and 3 cups of coffee. Then I went for a 3 mile jogging and took 3 minutes shower after that. I got dressed in the clothes from the 3rd hanger in my closet, and warmed my scooter for 3 minutes before heading out the 3rd horse racing track. I parked on the Lot #3 and bought the ticket on the 3rd window for the horse named – The Third Eye.

Astrologer was nodding his head and said – Good, good, Then what happened?

Santa – Then, I bought 3 tickets with $333 on each on “The Third Eye" horse.

Astrologer – Did you win?

Santa replied with a frowning face – the lousy “The Third Eye" horse came on the 3rd position.

On The Road

While driving down the road the motorist saw a roadside stand which had a fortune teller sitting under an umbrella. She was just sitting there smiling and laughing. The motorist passed on by and went a couple of miles on down the road. All of a sudden he spun his car around and sped back toward the fortune teller. As he got closer to the still laughing fortune teller he began to slow down. He pulled up next to the woman and jumped out of his car and suddenly began slapping and beating her.A policeman passing by screeched to a stop and wrestled the man to the ground. After cuffing the man he stood him up and asked him, "What do you think you're doing?"After a moment the man replied, ... "Well, I've always wanted to strike a happy medium."

In Rome

This one Roman governor was a spontaneous guy, and he was often annoyed when his astrologer buddy had to consult the stars before they could meet for a beer or go to the gladiator fights. Soon he got so fed up that he stopped calling him. The astrologer called him a month later, claiming that he had turned over a new leaf.

Incredulous, the governor asked, "OK, howzabout a game of racquetball then?" There was a long pause. "What are you doing now?" he asked sharply.

"Hang on, I'm checking my palm, Pilate."

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