For his entire working life, a dedicated and hardworking Astrophysicist tried in all earnest to find the existence of other being somewhere in the universe. After 58 years of constant effort, he finally receives a response from a planet 30 billion light years away.
"What is your planet like?" groaned the extraterrestrial from the other side of the Galaxy.
"It is 12,756 Kilometers in diameter, is 93,000,000 miles from the nearest star, our sun, has an average temperature of 72 degrees F. We breathe oxygen, live about 75 years, and have both men and women" answered the Physicist.
"Do the you get along with the women on your planet?" the extraterrestrial asked slowly.
Puzzled by the question, but not wanting to insult the female Physicists near by, he answered "Why yes. We get along quite well here."
The extraterrestrial perked up "Can we send you ours?"
A flying saucer comes to Earth in the middle of the night. It lands near a gas station. Two aliens get out and see two gas pumps. They walk slowly around them while examining them curiously, then they come back to their flying saucer and send their report: We saw two Earthlings, they look more or less like us, except that they sleep standing up with a finger in the ear.
Valles Marineris (MPI) - A spokesthing for Mars Air Force denounced as false rumors that an alien spacecraft crashed in the desert, outside of Ares Vallis on Friday. Appearing at a press conference today, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser, stated that "the object was, in fact, a harmless high-altitude weather balloon, not an alien spacecraft".
The story broke late Friday night when a major stationed at nearby Ares Vallis Air Force Base contacted the Valles Marineris Daily Record with a story about a strange, balloon-shaped object which allegedly came down in the nearby desert, "bouncing" several times before coming to a stop, "deflating in a sudden explosion of alien gases". Minutes later, General Rgrmrmy The Lesser contacted the Daily Record telepathically to contradict the earlier report.
General Rgrmrmy The Lesser stated that hysterical stories of a detachable vehicle roaming across the Martian desert were blatant fiction, provoked by incidences involving swamp gas. But the general public has been slow to accept the Air Force's explanation of recent events, preferring to speculate on the "other-worldly" nature of the crash debris. Conspiracy theorists have condemned Rgrmrmy's statements as evidence of "an obvious government cover-up", pointing out that Mars has no swamps.
An Alien lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says, "I’m an Alien, just arrived from the other side of the galaxy. We’re here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?". The owner replies, "I don’t have an opinion. I’m a chartered accountant."
A woman at a gas station noticed a spaceship landing in front of her. An alien stepped out of the spaceship and started to pump gas into it. The woman noticed the letters ''U.F.O.'' printed on the side of the ship. She turned to the alien and asked ''Does U.F.O. stand for Unidentified Flying Object?'' The alien answered, ''No, it stands for Unleaded Fuel Only!''