Your 5 Jokes for August 08, 2012: Prisoner Jokes

A Degree

I am by a rest stop on interstate 95 the other day, and I see a couple of prisoners cleaning up the garbage. I go over to them to try to cheer them up a little and one of them comes over and starts telling me, “here I am with a degree and I’m cleaning garbage.” So I ask him,” what type of degree do you have?” Without looking at me he responds, “first degree!”


I’m Free

A convict escaped from prison by digging a tunnel. It came up outside the prison in a school playground. The convict was so happy when he emerged from the tunnel he exclaimed, "I'm free, I'm free!"

"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four."


The Soviet Prisoner

Conversation in a prison cell:

'What are you in for?' one prisoner asks the other.

'For nothing. This is the third time I've landed in a bit of trouble. The first time they put me in was in 1924 just after Lenin died. I was working in a factory then. Some commissar came to read us a lecture. "The death of Comrade Lenin," he said, "it's a national grief.

All the factories have closed and there are a hundred thousand wreaths ..." And I said to him: "Comrade Commissar, for that money, never mind Lenin, you could bury the whole party . . ." They gave me ten years!

'Well I served my ten years, came out and got another job in a factory. Then Stalin died, there was a change of government and Beria was shot. And as soon as this was reported in the newspapers the party organizer said to me: "Ivanov, go and take down that bandit's portrait." But we had an awful lot of portraits hanging up in the factory. And I asked, "Which one?" That put me in the second time.

'For a second time I came out and thought to myself, "This time I won't be caught saying a word ... I won't get involved in politics again." And there I was on the First of May marching with the other workers from our factory. They shoved a pole with Krushchev's portrait into my hand and said to carry it. Well, they told me to carry it, so I carried it. But behind me there was this drunk who kept treading on my heels.

I said to him once, "Stop treading on my feet." I told him a second time, then when he kept on I turned around and said, "If you tread on my feet once more you idiot, I'll beat shit out of you with the clown on this stick . . ."I got three years . . .'


The Choice

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm a fraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".


Watching Daytime TV

A newspaper reporter was writing a feature story about prison life and was interviewing one of the prisoners. "Do you watch much television here?"

"Only the daytime shows," the inmate said. "At night we're locked in our cells and don't see any television."

"That's too bad," the reporter said, "But I do think it is nice that the warden lets you watch it in the daytime."

"What do you mean, nice?" the inmate said. "That's part of the punishment."


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