5 Murder Jokes

Dinner

Peter Stone, 42 years old, is murdered by his 8 year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father’s coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one sip and promptly collapsed. (Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later.


Guilty

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick: “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. “Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.”

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.”

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”


Picnic

A man was in a picnic with his family when they come upon a group of thieves. The thieves killed the son, the father was laughing, they killed the daughter, the father is still laughing, at last, they killed the wife … The father's laughing … Then, the chief of the group came and asked him why he's laughing. Then the father answered:" I know it's just a secret camera".


The Sheriff’s Deputy

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"


The Cellmate

It was the stockbroker's first day in prison and on meeting his psychotic-looking cellmate he became even more nervous than ever.

''Don't worry, mate,'' said the prisoner when he noticed how scared the stockbroker looked. ''I'm in for a white- collar crime, too,''

''Oh, really?'' said the stockbroker with a sigh of relief.

''Yeah,'' said the prisoner. ''I murdered a priest.''


Related Collections

Arrest jokes - Attorney jokes - Confession jokes - Court jokes - Crime jokes - Defendant jokes - Escape jokes - Jail jokes - Judge jokes - Jury jokes - Justice jokes - Law jokes - Lawyer jokes - Mugging jokes - Police jokes - Prison jokes - Prisoner jokes - Robber jokes - Robbery jokes - Theft jokes - Thief jokes - Trial jokes - Witness jokes