5 Crime Jokes

No Problem With Crime

One day, a man was telling his co-worker that the company was transferring him to Chicago.

He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, he replied that even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits, he was just too afraid of all the crime and did not desire to risk being mugged just to get to work.

His co-worker asked him to reconsider, noting that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said, "Why I myself worked in Chicago for over 10 years, and in all that time I had no problem with crime."

The first asked, "What type of work did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "Oh, I rode as an armed security guard on a Brink's armored car."


No Witnesses

An armed hooded robber bursts into a bank and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! But just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line:

"Did you see me rob this Bank?" The customer replies ....."Yes"

The bank robber raises his gun points it to the customer head and BANG !!!

Shoots the customer in the head and kills him!

The bank robber quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the woman: "Did you see me rob this bank ?"

The woman calmly responds . "No ... but MY HUSBAND DID!"


Jury Service

Murphy, a dishonest lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder which was brought by the state.

The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied, "the other eleven wanted to acquit."


Why Not The Man?

"So let me get this straight," the prosecutor says to the defendant, "you came home from work early and found your wife with a strange man."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Upon which," continues the prosecutor, "you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her."

"That's correct," says the defendant.

"Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" asked the prosecutor.

"It seemed easier," replied the defendant, "than shooting a different man every day!"


Flakey Murder

Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first officer.

"Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Good grief," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, "this is the work of a cereal killer."


Related Collections

Arrest jokes - Attorney jokes - Confession jokes - Court jokes - Defendant jokes - Jail jokes - Judge jokes - Jury jokes - Justice jokes - Law jokes - Lawyer jokes - Mugging jokes - Police jokes - Prison jokes - Prisoner jokes - Robber jokes - Robbery jokes - Theft jokes - Thief jokes - Trial jokes - Witness jokes