Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,
"You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"
"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"
"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"
For Twenty Dollars
“Hey, Mom,” asked Johnny “can you give me twenty dollars?”
“If you do,” he went on, “I’ll tell you what dad said to the maid when you were at the beauty shop.”
His mother’s ears perked up and, grabbing her purse, she handed over the money. “Well? What did he say?”
He said, ‘Hey, Marie, make sure you wash my socks tomorrow.”
The courtroom was packed as testimony began in the sentencing hearing of a woman convicted of murdering her husband of 20 years by poisoning his coffee.
The defense attorney knew he had his work cut out for him in order to make his client appear more sympathetic to the Judge, since she had been so "matter-of-fact" about the whole thing all during the trial.
"Mrs. Roth," he began, "was there any point that morning where you felt pity for your husband?"
"Well... yeah... I guess..." she replied.
"And when was that?" pressed the attorney.
"Well... when he asked for his third cup." she said.
Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office."It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor.""You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith. "I didn't realize it.
You don't suppose she's faking, do you?"
At A Café
A neutron walks into a café. "I'd like a soda" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a soda.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge."
An army major went to a doctor because of his failing health. After thorough check up the doctor announced: “Hydropsy.”
“And what is Hydropsy?” The major asked.
Doctor: “There is more water in your body than is good for you.”
The major was a ‘whiskey-on-rocks’ guy. He exclaimed: “Water and me? My dear doctor, I will have you know that I never drink water.” And as an afterthought added: “It must have been all that ice.”
The Building Is On Fire!
During a recent ecumenical gathering, a secretary rushed into the meeting shouting, The building is on fire!"
The Methodists immediately gathered in the corner and prayed.
The Baptists cried, "Where is the water?"
The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door, declaring the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the damage.
The Congregationalists shouted, "Every man for himself!"
The Fundamentalists proclaimed, "It's the vengeance of God!"
The Episcopalians formed a procession and marched out.
The Christian Scientists concluded there was no fire.
The Presbyterians appointed a chairperson who was to appoint a committee to look into the matter and submit a written report.
The secretary grabbed the fire extinguisher and put the fire out.
I’ve Been Running Terrible
A poker pro sees an old friend of his at the Rio during the World Series of Poker and pulls him aside.
"Look, man," he says, "I really hate to ask this but you've known me for years and you know I wouldn't ask unless I'm desperate. I've been running terrible, I can't feed my wife and kids right now, and we're about to get kicked out of our house. Can I borrow $1,000 just to keep our heads above water until I figure something out?"
"Of course," his friend says, "but with just one condition. You have to swear to me that you won't play poker with it, and that it'll go towards food for your family."
The poker pro breaks out into a huge grin. "I swear. I can even prove it to you, as here's my $10,000 entry to the Main Event that I just bought in for, so I'll definitely be too busy the next few days to even think about playing poker with the $1,000!"
One day a young man came up to my window at the bank and whispered, "Please deposit this hundred dollars in my savings account." I handled the transaction and whispered back, "Have a good day." He started to leave but changed his mind. "I'm sorry we have to whisper," he said, "but if my car knows I've deposited money, it'll break down again." With his finger to his lips he tiptoed out.
In a robbery case, the Judge asked the accused:
- You carried out all these robberies on your own. Don't you have an accomplice?
The Accused: Alas, I had to carry out these robberies all alone - where can you get an honest accomplice these days?